Monday, April 14, 2014

Feeling Stuck

I've debated on writing about this or not, but decided to go ahead because I have to get all these thoughts out of my head! Do you ever feel like that? Or I am just crazy?

I must preface this by saying that I love my children immensely and love spending time with them. I feel super guilty when I'm not with them and try my best to parent them to the best of my abilities.

It's been 15 months since I walked out of NMHS for the last time. I had three boys and had recently found out I was pregnant with Melia. I was burned out on teaching. I was stressed, tired, and needed to be home for my kids rather then give all I had to everyone else's children. My husband had a decent job, but was out of town four days each week and we felt that they needed more time with me since they didn't get to see him much. I was tired of my children being raised by other people.

I had felt God's pull to be a stay at home mom for a long while, and I finally had enough faith to listen. It wasn't easy; it was really scary. I worried, but I knew that if God asked me to do something, He would provide. I've tried my best to remember this, but I' struggling.

When Ronnie quit his job last year, we made it through by God's grace. There's no other way to put it. If God had not orchestrated the events that occurred in our lives, I don't know where we'd be living, what we'd be driving or what we'd be eating and wearing. God has blessed us and taken care of all of our needs and I'm so very grateful!

Since Ronnie began his new job he's been home every night, which is awesome, but he took a 25-30% pay cut. With a threadbare budget beforehand, this hasn't been easy. We've made all the cuts that we can.

As a result of the past year, I started looking for a job. I've applied to so many positions that I've lost count. I haven't gotten one single phone call. I get the follow up letter or email that tells me they hired someone else. After so many rejections, I decided to go back to school. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do for awhile, but eventually settled on Global Logistics.  The local community college offers the program so I asked for more information about it, more than once. I'm still waiting to hear from those people. I found out a community college 3.5 hours from here offers the program completely online. I applied, got accepted and started talking with my adviser. It was then that I found out the admissions person wasn't helping me as well as I thought she was. I have a BA and she was only giving me credit for two classes. Two. I know all of my education and Spanish classes won't count for diddly at the community college level and that's fine, but she was being rude and trying to make me feel like an idiot. I've dealt with 2 universities and I'm not about to take crap from someone at a community college when I know that more than two of my gen ed classes are sufficient for required classes for a two year diploma. I don't need that kind of stress in my life so I deleted all of our correspondence and decided to stop pursuing that option.

So here I am. Stuck. I was raised to work and do my best. But I feel like I'm stuck. I feel like I'm not doing very well at the whole stay at home thing. I feel like I'm not contributing to our family. I feel like all of our financial problems are my fault. I feel so guilty about quitting my job. But then I feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be. I believe that God will take care of us. But I'm struggling. I don't know what to do. I know that even while things are okay right now, in a couple of months they may not be. I don't want to lose our house or have to move. I don't want to have to pinch every little penny or make sure I'm not wasting anything. I kind of feel guilty for admitting that, but I'm just being real.

I know that God has a plan and that all things will work for good, but sometimes it would be nice to know what's coming my way so I don't have to stress about it. Am I going to get a great job offer? Is Ronnie going to get a big fat raise? Is there going to be something changing in our ministry? I'd really like to know! *Rereading this, I know I don't "have" to stress about it, but sometimes it's hard not too.

So, if you read this, please say a prayer for me, for us. Pray that God will continue to show His love to us, that we'll do His will, that God will reveal to me what I need to be doing with my life. Thank you so much. 

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Thirty by 30 - 4.9.14

It's been a few weeks and I'm still going! I have four more runs to go before I am finished with Couch to 5k!

This is week 8 and I am supposed to do a 28 minute run each day. I got a wild hair today and decided that if I was going to be running over two miles anyway, why shouldn't I go ahead and finish out a 5k. So that's what I did. I "ran" 3.1 miles in 38:45. I was pretty proud of myself! I say "ran" because I'm actually moving pretty slow. I've worked up to 4.8 mph.

So far I have lost 11.6 pounds, which means that I'm down 21.6 pounds from July, when Melia was born. That makes me very happy! I still have 18 pounds to go before I get to my thirty pounds, but I'm getting there!

Hope you're all doing well!

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Thirty by 30 3.15.14

Sorry if I'm posting about my weight issues too much, but I'm really doing my best to keep myself going!

Yesterday I finished week 4 of Couch to 5k. It was a tough week, but I made it somehow. I had to keep telling myself to not give up! I also finished day 5 of level 1 of 30 Day Shred. When I do day 6, I will have stuck with it longer than ever before.

Saturdays are my weigh in days, so I hopped on the scales this morning. I got so frustrated because the scale didn't move a single bit from last week. I actually cried a few mad tears to Ronnie. But then I took my measurements and I've lost 2.25 inches from my waist and 2 inches from my hips! I've lost 9 inches total!!! I am super happy about that! I also had Ronnie take some progress pictures for me so I could actually see if all my work is paying off. At first, I wasn't that impressed, but I studied them for a few minutes and realized that I can really tell a difference! And my jeans aren't so snug anymore!

Thanks for all of your encouragement so far! I'm really doing this! :)


Friday, March 14, 2014


When I was 21 months old, my parents had my little brother, Brandon. Apparently I loved him very much and would do most anything I could for him. (Okay, maybe I still love him, but anyways. . ..) He was a child who had some health issues and was very accident prone so he was in and out of hospitals and doctors' offices quite a bit. I'm guessing all this made me even more protective, and added to the list of things I would do for him. Mama tells me that I even talked for him. All he had to do was grunt or point and I knew what he needed or what he was trying to say, so I would handle whatever issue was at hand. Such a sweet sister! But all my help became a problem eventually. Because he didn't have to talk, he didn't practice making his sounds, and then he had speech issues. I remember some of the things he used to say incorrectly, and we laugh about them now, but I also remember how frustrated he would get when someone didn't understand him, and how he had to go to speech therapy to correct the problem. In my defense, he may have just been genetically wired to have speech issues, but this is the story I hear about when we were growing up so I'll stick with it.

Fast forward twenty-five years and I have a second child who has an older brother saying everything for him. I really tried to keep Ethan from being Elijah's mouthpiece, but it's just what older siblings do, I guess. We've used the phrase "use your words" more times than I can count. We've said "one more time" until we had frustrated tears in big blue eyes. We've agreed "ok" to so many things that we honestly didn't understand. We've done all that we could to help our little guy with his speech issues, until we realized that we needed outside help.

In October of last year, I took Elijah for a check up and when the doctor asked if there were any issues or questions, I mentioned that we couldn't understand him when he talked. We were told that at his age (over 3, almost 4 years) that his family should understand all that he was saying and strangers should understand most of his speech. Uh oh. We definitely weren't there. We left the appointment anticipating a phone call from our county's preschool program.

The preschool called and we were scheduled for an evaluation. At the evaluation, they checked everything. And I mean everything! All his motor skills, his speech, his reasoning, his ability to do anything that a kid his age should do was checked. He scored incredibly well on everything, but language articulation. We were told that he wasn't necessarily in range for therapy, but he was close enough that they wanted to try to get him in.

By December, we were having our second meeting with the speech pathologist that would later meet with Elijah twice a week. She was able to pinpoint the articulation areas that needed to be addressed and laid out a plan for working with him.

It's now March and we can understand Elijah so much better! He's been working on snake sounds, firefighter sounds, coughing sounds and so much more! He still gets frustrated and has to have a reminder that he doesn't have to be perfect, but he has to try, but he tries so hard! I am super proud of how far he's come in such a short time!

So why did I say all of that? Because I had been meaning to blog about it for a while and because of what happened this week and then God's response that I got this morning. Here goes:

Elijah started playing t ball this week. He's wanted to play for two years, but is just now barely old enough to play. He is ecstatic! He takes in everything at practice! Monday evening while I watched him, I started to feel really bad. I heard him trying to talk clearly and struggling with catching and throwing and I just wanted to run out to the field, grab him up, take him home and protect him forever. I was almost in tears because I felt so guilty. I felt like it was my fault he can't talk correctly, that I've sheltered him too much by staying home with him, that I've let him down in my parenting. I felt awful!

On the way home, he made me feel better though. All he could talk about was how good he was getting and that he was happy to have new friends. He made me realize that all those things I saw were not disadvantages, but good things for him.

I still feel bad, but I know that he's the kind of kid that makes the best out of anything he's involved in. I worry about how his speech will affect him in the next couple of years, but God reminded me this morning that having issues talking won't slow anyone down when I read this:

10 And Moses said unto the LORD, O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore , nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue.
11 And the LORD said unto him, Who hath made man's mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD?
12 Now therefore go , and I will be with thy mouth, and teach thee what thou shalt say . 
Exodus 4:10-12

These verses jumped out at me! God made Elijah. God made his mouth! God doesn't care how "slow of speech" he is. God will help him say what needs to be said. Moses was a great man of God and he felt that he had issues, but God still used him. Elijah will still be able to do great things! I am thankful that I read this today, that God spoke to me through His Word. What an awesome God I serve!   


Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Thirty by 30 - 3.11.14

There is a lot going on around the Kidd house. A lot. And I should be blogging more of it, but I'm just not feeling it here lately. I never blogged Christmas, Ethan and Elijah's birthdays, the journies with Elijah in speech, Ezra going to the orthopedic doctor, all the snow we've had, my grandmother's passing last week and so much more! I promise I will try to get to it, but it just takes me some time, I guess.

The one thing that has been consistent for over 3 weeks now, is me getting off my rear and exercising. I have completed all the way through week 4 day 1 and plan to continue until I can complete a 5k!

I'm very happy that I've lost 6 pounds! And today I did my measurements that were last updated in October. (I gained weight from October to February so I probably lost more, but...) I was ecstatic that I have lost 7.5 inches from my waist, hips, and thighs! Yay! I'm so motivated to keep on going!

Until next time!

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Thirty by 30 - I turned 30

I turned 30 on February 25th. And I had not lost the 30 pounds I had planned.

But I was okay with it. After my last post, my kids misplaced my workout DVD when they watched one of their movies. Did I push on? Find the disc immediately? Do something different? No. I gave up. Again. That seems to be my most consistent exercise move: quitting.

I didn't stay down though. On February 17, I got up and did Week 1 Day 1 of the Couch to 5k program (C25K). I also started tracking on again. And I found a group of ladies that started C25K on the same day to motivate me.

Tomorrow I will complete Week 3 Day 3 and so far I'm down 4 pounds. I will weigh again Saturday morning and am expecting a loss, maybe not 3 pounds like last time, but a loss will make me happy.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Thirty by 30: Frustrated!

I just need to vent for a minute. Please bear with me.

I've never been skinny. I got to my lowest weight during my sophomore year of college...I thought I looked great and I felt great. Looking back, I was probably too small. Me as a size 8(!) just isn't attractive...probably because I have a big head. Anyways, I don't want to be skinny. It's not me. I want to look healthy. I'm being realistic. I want to lose (most of) this tummy that I've accumulated and tone up the rest of my body. I don't think that's too far fetched. I'm not even sure what weight I'd like to see on the scale. I know it's less than where I am now, but there's no concrete number that I think is magical and will cause me to be happy. I'm not like that. I understand that me losing weight is more about being healthy than trying to look like a model.

But dang it! I'm upset! I hadn't weighed in for a while so I thought it would be a good time to do so. I expected to be right around what I weighed last time, give or take a pound or so. But, no! I have gained over SIX stinkin' pounds! That hit me hard! It means that I'm only nine pounds less than I was when I had Melia. I'm mad! I know I'm probably overreacting, but I really didn't think I had done that poorly lately. I got upset with Ronnie about it and he, being a smart man, said nothing. He knew I needed to get my thoughts out there without interruption. I even called my dad to make sure there was nothing wrong with their scales. No such luck.

So where am I now and where am I going? Ronnie talked to me later last night and told me how proud he was of what I had done so far. He gave me encouragement to keep going because I had been trying too hard to just quit. And he reminded me that my hips are starting to hurt less since I've been exercising more. So, as I wrote out my goals for the week last night, I wrote down exercise five days. I can do that. Maybe I won't see the scale move for awhile, but maybe I'll continue to feel better and look more healthy.